If you're white and you don't like any of the above ideas, or you think they're impractical, then there's always one surefire way to help create a colorblind world‑‑marry a black person and have yourselves some babies! Blacks and whites making love with each other‑‑instead of whites just screwing blacks‑‑will eventually give us a nation of one color. (And Hispanics and Asians can play, too!) Who's your daddy? Everybody!
And when we're all one color, we won't have anything to hate each other for‑‑other than who gets stuck at that damn reception desk.
SURVIVAL TIPS FOR BLACK PEOPLE
1. Driving While Black:
*Make yourself a less likely target for drive‑by racial profiling by placing a life‑size, inflatable white doll in the passenger seat (the kind people use so they can drive in carpool‑only express lanes). The cops will probably think you're a chauffeur and leave you alone.
*Try to avoid drawing any additional attention to yourself when Driving While Black. Keep your hands in the classic "10 and 2" position on the wheel. Buckle your seat belt; in fact, buckle all seatbelts, whether or not there's anyone else in the car. Remove any "Honk If You're Black Too!" bumper stickers; replace them with "I LOVE Hockey!"
*Avoid renting or driving any car with New Hampshire, Utah, or Maine license plates‑these states have virtually no black residents, and it will of course be assumed that you're driving a stolen vehicle and/or running drugs and/or carrying weapons. On second thought, cops make the same assumptions about black drivers in states with sizable black populations. Better idea: take the bus.
2. Shopping While Black:
*If you want to avoid being followed by shopkeepers who assume you're going to shoplift or hold a gun to their heads while emptying the cash drawer, the solution is simple: catalogs and on‑line sbopping! The beauty part? No need to leave the comforts of your home‑and no more long waits for a parking spot at the mall!
*If you must enter a store, for God's sake leave your coat outside! All those pockets will surely end up getting searched for stolen goods‑you're just asking to be arrested. Needless to say, lose the purses, shopping bags, and backpacks, too. Better yet, do your shopping in the nude. Sure, you might be subjected to the occasional body cavity search, but that's a small price to pay to exercise your God‑given right as a black American to buy stuff and contribute some of the $572 billion in your pockets that goes to the white economy every year.
3. Voting While Black:
*Because whites have rigged our elections by ensuring that the most ancient, ill‑functioning voting machines all find their way to the black precincts in town, don't leave the polling place unless you've personally seen
your ballot marked the way you intended and placed in the locked ballot box. If you use a voting machine, ask the poll worker to check the machine after you've voted to make sure your vote gets counted.
Bring whatever tools you think you may need to see that your vote is recorded: No. 2 pencil, black marker, knitting needle (to make sure you don't just impregnate the ballot but actually punch the holes all the way out), 3‑in‑1 oil, pliers, the rest of your Sears Craftsman tools, a magnifying glass, a copy of the local election laws, a copy of your voter registration card, a copy of your birth certificate, a copy of your second grade report card, any other proof that you're still alive, a camera to record any funny business, a local reporter to show her firsthand that you weren't kidding when you said your polling place was shipped in from Bolivia, duct tape, string, paraffin wax, a Bunsen burner, Wite Out, Shout stain remover, a lawyer, a minister, a justice of the Supreme Court. Get all those ducks in a row, and there's half a chance your vote will be counted.
*In the 2002 elections, vote for the Democratic or Green candidate for Congress. If just five seats change party hands in favor of the Democrats, the Democrats will not only control the House, but through seniority nineteen black congressmen and women will become chair of their House committee or subcommittee. Nineteen! That's a black takeover of the House of Representatives! (Where Green Party candidates have a chance of winning, or in districts where the Democrat behaves like a Republican, an elected Green Party congresswoman will caucus with the Democrats to make up the majority.) Don't tell too many white people about this one‑the idea of a "Black House" might really spook them out!
4. Having a Good Laugh While Black:
*Bring back those Whites Only signs from the 1950s. When nobody's looking, place them on the doors of businesses that don't hire blacks.
*Nonchalantly put one on the front‑row seat in First Class next time you get on a plane.
*Hang one on the front office of any major league team, or anywhere in the better seats at any NBA game.
*Plant one in the lawn in front of the United States Supreme Court, and when Clarence Thomas walks by, just throw up your hands and say, "What?"
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