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Ruby:
I’m all salsa’d out! The last time I was in this much pain was when
Teddy got that Kama Sutra book for Christmas from the lads at
work. I practically had to be fork-lifted to work after the holidays,
remember? Well this time I actually had to take the morning off
work. Can you believe it?!
I woke up suspecting that I had been in a very serious car accident;
then I looked across at Teddy and was convinced we had been. But I
forgot that the drooling, sweating, and disturbing noises were all
Cecelia Ahern
part of the Teddy package. You get one, you get them all. It took me
twenty minutes to wake him up so that he could help me out of bed.
It took me a further twenty minutes to get out of bed. My joints
were on strike. They were all just lazily lounging around with their
little pickets pitched up screaming, “Joints on strike, joints on
strike!” The hips were the leaders of this conspiracy.
So I rang my boss and held the phone to my hips so he could hear
them too. He agreed with me and let me have the morning off.
(Well he claims now that he didn’t but I’m sticking to my side of the story.)
Childbirth is nothing compared to exercise, and Gary was a big
baby. This is what they should do to prisoners of war when they’re
trying to interrogate them. Make them take salsa classes. I knew I
was unfit but my god, driving the mini today was horrendous. Every
time I changed gears I felt like someone was hammering away at my
arm. First gear—sore, second gear—pain, third gear—torture. I
ended up driving to work in second gear because it hurt so much.
Not safe or healthy for the car at all but she managed to cough and
splutter her way into work just like her owner.
By the way I was walking you would swear Teddy and I had
worked our way through the Kama Sutra book. Even typing was a
traumatic experience as I suddenly realized that my finger bone is
connected to my arm bone which in some way was pulling on my
hamstring which was giving me a headache. I should have known I
would be this bad. When you dropped me off last night I was so
stiff I practically had to crawl in the hall door where my ears were
greeted by Teddy and Gary having a mutual grunting session in the
living room. I’ve learned it’s their odd little method of communica-
tion.
I’m thinking of sending Gary to electrocution... sorry, elocution
lessons so he can brush up on his “how now brown cows,” instead
of his “hugh, nugh, brugh, cughs.” I mentioned it to him last night
love, rosie
and he just grunted, “Why do I want to know about wiring houses,
Ma?”
So I left my wonderfully intelligent family and soaked myself in the
bath and considered drowning myself. Then I remembered I still
had chocolate cake left over from yesterday so I came back up for
air. Some things are worth living for.
But thank you for the gift, Rosie; we had fun in the class, didn’t we?
I can’t remember ever laughing so much in my life, which on second
thought is probably why my stomach is so sore. Thank you for
reminding me that I’m a woman, that I have hips, that I can be sexy,
that I can laugh and have fun.
And thank you for bringing the sexy Ricardo into my life. Can’t
wait to feel this way again next week. Now after all my whinging
and moaning, how do you feel?
Rosie:
Oh fine, thanks. No complaints.
Ruby:
Ha!
Rosie:
OK, OK so I feel a little stiff.
Ruby:
Ha!
Rosie:
Oh OK so the bus had to lower the wheelchair ramp for me this
morning because I couldn’t lift my leg.
Ruby:
That’s more like it.
Rosie:
Oh the beautiful Ricardo, Ruby!! I had a dream about him last
night. I woke up with my top off and my pillow covered in drool.
(OK so, not really.) The sound of that sexy Italian accent shouting,
“Ros-ie!! Pay atten-see-on!” and, “Ros-ie! Stup laff-ing!!” and
“Ros-ie!! Get up ov ze floor!” just sends a shiver up my spine. But it
was the sound of “Vell done Rosie, fantabulous hip action!” that
really got me... mmm... yummy Ricardo with the hips...
Ruby:
Yes! The hips! Although as I recall, it was me he was referring to
about the “ fantabulous hip action.”
Rosie:
Oh Ruby, can’t a girl dream! I was surprised to see so many men
there, were you?
Cecelia Ahern
Ruby:
Yes! It reminded me of when I was younger at the school discos or
the ceilis; I was always one of those girls, stuck dancing with
another girl as a partner. There were more men dancing with men
last night than there were women with women.
Rosie:
Yes I know, somehow I get the feeling that was due to personal
choice. Although they took the wearing high heels a little too seri-
ously don’t you think? Could you imagine Greg and Teddy coming
with us to a class?
Ruby:
Oh that would be a sight for sore eyes! Teddy can’t wrap his arms
around himself, never mind hug me. By the time he would get
around to doing a twirl, it would be next year.
Rosie:
Ha! Yeah and Greg would probably become so obsessed with
Ricardo counting the steps aloud that he would begin to calculate
them in his mind, add them, multiply them, subtract the first count
from the square root of the sixth or something. Greg, the bank
manager and his love affair with numbers. It looks like it’s just you
and me Ruby.
Ruby:
Looks like it... So what’s Alex up to these days?
Rosie:
He’s still hanging around slutty Bethany’s dad trying to get a job
chopping people’s bodies up.
Ruby:
Oh... kay... who is Bethany, why is she a slut, and what business
is her father in?
Rosie:
Oh sorry, Bethany is Alex’s childhood sweetheart and first love,
she’s a slut because I say so, and her dad is a surgeon of some sort.
Ruby:
Oh how exciting... the return of one of Alex’s ex-girlfriends...
this will be a page turner...
Rosie:
No she’s not around anymore; Alex is just attending some lectures
being held by her father.
Ruby:
Oh Rosie Dunne, expect the unexpected for once. Maybe this time
you won’t get such a shock when things don’t go your way.
chapter 28
k
ARIES
The heady combination of Uranus in Aries along with your ruler Jupiter
opposing Venus and the sun squaring Pluto means, well, complications.
The new moon brings some light relief—but with a strange twist of fate.
IRISH SURGEON TO JOIN WILLIAMS
by Cliona Taylor
Irish surgeon Reginald Williams, who recently achieved success with his
much publicized new cardiac surgery, today announced he would be welcom-
ing fellow Irishman Dr. Alex Stewart to the award-winning team. The 30-
year-old Harvard graduate says, “I have always followed Dr. Williams’s
studies with great interest and admiration.” He also says he is “both
delighted and honored to become a new member of this ground-breaking
and, most important, life-saving new surgery.” Dr. Stewart is originally from Dublin, and moved to Boston at age 17 when his father accepted a post with
the prominent U.S. law firm Charles & Charles.
Dr. Stewart completed five years residency in Boston Central Hospital
for a general surgical residency training program before joining with Dr.
Williams for further cardiac surgery studies. Pictured above (from left to
right) is Dr. Reginald Williams with his wife Miranda and his daughter
Cecelia Ahern
Bethany, who accompanied Dr. Stewart to the Reginald Williams Foundation
for Heart Disease charity ball last night.
See page 4 of the Health supplement for Wayne Gillespie’s report on this
new cardiac surgery.
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